I'm one of those guys who likes to do things by myself. I don't read instructions...well, I do more than I used to. I don't like to ask for directions. And I absolutely don't like asking for help. And it almost killed me.
I'll never forget the day. It was in November 2011. Winter in Colorado. The sun was setting, illuminating the giant hills by my house in a gold and green color. The sky was blue and the snow covered ground soaked in the waning amber sunlight. It was the kind of Rocky Mountain scene that folks like John Denver were inspired by and photographers spend a career waiting to capture on film.
And I felt nothing.
I remember saying to myself, "Today is a good day to die." The depression and anxiety from years of military service and wartime finally came to a dangerous crest and I didn't want to fight anymore. It just seemed like it was a rational decision. The only decision.
That's what suicide felt like to me...an easy decision. A rational decision.
But God. He saw me, he knew what I was going through even when I felt alone. He warned my wife who gently took me into her watch and together we got a therapist and some meds for me. I wish I could say and they lived happily ever after but life is not a fairy tale. I'm never "out of the woods" as they say, but God.
Whenever you're sad, or even clinically depressed or anxious know first that you are not alone. God's got you. Second, there is help out there...people who care. And third, never never never give up. When you feel your emotional bank is empty, just remember, but God.